White Flag
by AD16
Summary: Even through all the good things, I didn't cause him anything but trouble. Sam/Freddie Based on the song White Flag by Dido
1. Prologue

I'll be the first to admit, after everything I shouldn't still love him and I definitely shouldn't tell him that I do. But If I didn't say it. If I kept it locked inside, I'd feel it all the more, it would hurt twice as much, and where's the sense in that?

It's not my intention to make him miserable, I know seeing my face isn't exactly what he wants right now, It would just make him remember it all. I promise that I'm not trying to make his life harder, I don't want to go back to then, to when all we could do was scream, and hope we'd find our way back.

Don't get me wrong, just because I won't be around, that doesn't mean I'm falling out of love. There's not a force in this world that could make me forget, because for every bad memory, there's twice as many good ones. I know that when I left, after I accused him, that I couldn't take back all those words, I couldn't take back what I said. I knew it then too, I was fully aware of what I was doing. I can't go back, not even if I wanted to. Do I want to?

Even through all the good things, I didn't cause him anything but trouble. His friends didn't like me, and his mother didn't approve. I distracted him from his job, I caused all the fights, I made him crazy. I couldn't trust him. I destroyed him. I never wanted to hurt him, but that's what ended up happening.

When the day comes when we meet again, which I'm sure we will. When we run into each other at one place or another. I'll still feel everything I did then, and that I'm feeling now, but I'll hold it in, I won't say a word about how I miss the way he kissed me, or held my hand extra tight around his friends, when he knew I was insecure. I won't mention how I'm not sure I'll ever feel for anyone else what I feel for him. I will hold my tongue. I won't cause him any more pain, that's the last thing I want. Besides, who's to say he'd care? And he'll look at me, and think that I'm happy, he'll think I've moved on. He never could read me.

You can ask me in an hour, a day, a week, a month, or a year and nothing will have changed. I'm in love and I always will be.


	2. Chapter 2

He smiled at me from his desk, God, I loved his smile, I couldn't let him know that though, so I kept a straight face as I strolled over to him, leaned down, and kissed him on the mouth.

"Mmm, Sam." He groaned.

"Hi" I whispered.

"I don't know how much time we have before I have to get back to work."

"Do I get you in a lot of trouble when I visit you?" I asked as I kissed him again, deeper this time.

"S-sometimes." His voice cracked when he answered me. I knew how to make him nervous, I knew how to make him do almost anything.

"But, it's worth it right?" I grinned at him. He answered me with a kiss even hotter than before. He leaned into me a little more and just as I let myself give in a little, we were interrupted by a deep voice yelling from not too far away.

"Freddie! Get back to work, we need those forms filled out by the end of the day"

"You have to go." He stated sadly.

"Just, say you have to leave early, that there was an emergency or something." I suggested.

"Sam, I can't do that, I missed two days already this week because you made me go to the movies with you Monday, and then Tuesday you just...distracted me."

"But, we never have time together anymore!." I complained.

"Sammy...." He sighed at me, I hated when he sighed at me

"I told you that might happen when I started here, you said it was okay. All the time that I'm not here, I'm with you. I'm with you as much as I can be. I need this job, and it's going to look really great on my resume and it's pretty much the reason I got accepted into my choice school. I cannot get fired, not now. Why can't you understand that?"

That just started a fight. About how he was going away to his fancy college and I was staying here at some shitty community college and how he'd probably meet some... nerdy computer girl that swept him off his feet and he'd forget all about me. Which started _another _fight about how I couldn't trust him anymore, and how he hadn't seen Carly in weeks because I was too jealous to let them hang out without me anymore. I wasn't _my fault. _He was the one that had the crush on her for all those years, how could I trust him alone with her after that?

"Whatever Freddie, I'll talk to you later..." He stood up and sighed.

"Sam, wait!." But I kept going, I was tired of waiting for him.


	3. Chapter 3

A week after our fight at Freddie's job, I finally agreed to see him again. He'd called a bunch of times but I'd just blow him off. It took a damn near pathetic voice mail before I finally called him back

"Sam, please call me back,.I'm sorry. I'll take all of next week off and we can do whatever you want. We can lay in bed and eat pizza and watch TV and I won't touch the remote. Just please call me back? Please Sam..."

It wasn't that I was furious or anything, it was more like...I couldn't let him feel in control; I had to be the one making things happen. The doorbell rang and I got up slowly, I did all I could to keep myself from running to answer it. I didn't want him to know that I needed him as much as I did.

"Hi Freddie."

"Sam!" He immediately wrapped his arms around me. I let myself lean into the hug. I breathed in his scent. I did miss him.

"Come on, let's get to Carly's." The eagerness in his voice set off my jealousy, but I bit my tongue. I wasn't sure that could go another week without him. The fights were beginning to really get to me. He grabbed my hand and held it hand the whole time, which I hoped was his way of letting me know that he missed me. He caught me looking and smiled at me. I smiled back when normally I would have looked away.

He squeezed my hand tighter as we entered the party in Carly's apartment. Some of Freddie's friends from school were here. I felt immediate butterflies because to be honest, they didn't like me, actually they despised me. They wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. I was the girl they couldn't stand, even before I stole away their favorite tech geek. They worried about the influence I had on Freddie. According to them, I distracted him from everything, even school which he did _so_ well in before me, he ditched them for me, and I just made him crazy. One of his former friends approached him with a pissed off look on his face.

"Hey Benson."

"Hey Nick," Freddie said, obviously uncomfortable with the situation.

"Where have you been? You haven't been to AV club in like...months."

"I work a lot, and then I have schoolwork and I just don't have much free time anymore."

"Yeah I _wonder_ why..." Nick said and stared me down. At the suggestion it was my fault, I glared at Nick, took Freddie's hand and dragged him away. He staggered and waved goodbye.

"Sam!" He objected. "I was talking to someone." I didn't want to admit that Nick's words had stung me. So I came up with an excuse.

"I wanted us to be alone." I whispered. I kissed him full on, which took him by surprise. Even so, he wrapped his arms tightly around me. I smiled inside.

"Sam! Freddie!" Freddie immediately pulled away from me to give Carly a hug. She smiled that infectious little laugh of hers.

"I never see you guys anymore." She complained sadly. "Hey Freddie, while you're here can you take a look at my computer? It's been doing some really weird stuff lately"

"Sure thing Car." He left me standing there. Left_ me_ to go help _Carly. _God,this was not what I needed right now. I couldn't follow them like a little puppy, but it was so hard to watch them climb the stairs together, laughing about something that I couldn't quite hear. I could feel my jealousy bubbling up again, but I couldn't let on that I didn't trust him after we'd just worked things out. So I just left. I walked home alone in the dark, and I laid around for 3 hours before Freddie finally showed up. He'd never taken that long before. He knocked lightly before letting himself into my room.

"Sam, why did you leave?"

"Because you went to go help _Carly_."

"You could have came with us Sam, no one was excluding you."

"Oh, but you miss having alone time with Carly, who was I to stand in your way?" He sat down next to where I was laying on my bed and played with my hair. I sat up and put my head on his chest.

"You smell like beer." I said curiously.

"Yeah, I had a few before I left." He answered

"So you had a good time without me?" I stood up. "How long did it take you to notice I left? Or were to too distracted by Carly's _computer_ issues?"

"Sam, it's not like that. I haven't seen Carly or any of my friends for such a long time. I just wanted to have a good time!"

"You didn't have a good time when I was there then, Freddie? Jesus, what took you three fucking hours to notice I was gone?"

"Why can't you just trust me?" He screamed. "What's wrong with you? What did I do to make you not trust me? I never lied to you once, Sam. What is your problem?"

"I don't know!" I screamed. I couldn't hold back tears anymore, I let myself cry and sat back down, He pulled me into him. I got his shirt wet. He held me tighter.

"I want to try harder." I said

"Okay." he whispered. "It's alright."

He fell asleep before I did. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his steady breathing.

"I'll try a lot harder." I promised my sleeping boyfriend. "I'll do the best that I can."


	4. Chapter 4

I did try harder after that, and Freddie and I spent a week together, just us. It made me wonder why I was acting the way I was for so long. I guess it should have been obvious that he really did love me, since he'd been putting up with all my shit for as long as I'd known him. When Freddie finally had to go back to work, I had a lot of time to myself to think about things. Like last year, on my seventeenth birthday. He'd refused to give me my present until after my party, when we were alone. Which sparked my curiosity. He'd acted nervous and jittery the whole party, but I'd figured it was because he wasn't used to being at parties with no adult supervision. After everyone left and I attempted to clean up the mess that was left behind we'd gone up to my room together, and the anticipation was really starting to get to me.

"Okay Fredward, what's the big surprise?" He smiled slyly, pulled his laptop out clicked around for a while then opened it to face me. His media player came up on the screen. He'd made a video of clips and pictures of us over the past year that we'd been together, some of them I hadn't known were even taken.

"Oh, Freddie..." I had no idea how to put into words how perfect it was.

"I love you, Sam" He blurted out. His face turned bright red.

"Freddie. Oh...I...I love you too." I said quietly. It was the first time either of us had ever said it, It kind of freaked me out that it happened so quickly and I was scared. But it was like all those negative thoughts were wiped away as he leaned over to kiss me. He ran his hand up my thigh.

"...So much Sammy," his words were raspy in my ear, but I understood him perfectly.

"My mom won't be home for a while." I whispered. He brought his hand up to them hem of my shirt and played with the fabric, waiting to see my reaction. Like I was going to smack him, when I'd already implied that it was what I wanted. I kissed him harder and urged him to pull my shirt over my head while I unbuttoned his. I kissed his chest and moved up to his neck before he lifted my chin to his lips again. Our kissing intensified even more as he pressed his now naked chest hard against mine. Shivers ran up my spine and I was breathing hard when he unhooked my bra. He ran his hands over my breasts and down my sides painfully slow before reaching my lower half. His hands fumbled a bit as he tried to unbutton my skirt. I was getting impatient when he finally loosened it. He reached to take off his own jeans.

"I have something." he said, his voice cracking adorably.

"Okay." I whispered and pulled his body into mine.

I smiled at the memory. Freddie was so much more shy back then. Still, it was cute. Maybe it was his new found confidence in himself that had set me off lately, or that he was going to be leaving for college soon.

"Oh God." I slumped down into my couch. "He's leaving me in less than three months."


	5. Chapter 5

I was still sitting on my couch mindlessly watching TV when I heard my door open. I jerked around to see Freddie. I tired to smile smiled at him as he sat down next to me.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work?" I asked him.

"It's my lunch break, so I got take out ." He held up a bag soaked in grease.

"You know me so well." I said, nodding towards the food.

"I figured we could spend time together before I had to get back to work." He smiled brightly, obviously proud of his own plan. "What's wrong? You don't look very happy to see me."

"Sorry." I forced a smile. "I was thinking about you all day and I remembered that we really don't have much time before you go away...I really don't want you to go away." I confessed.

"Sam, If I could I'd stay here with you, you know that I would, but I've wanted to go to school there since I was in junior high." He slid his arm around me and pulled me in close.

"I know you would, I'm just worried, you know."

"Sam, there is no girl that could ever make me forget about you. Besides I'm going to school to learn, not for the girls."

"Yeah I guess you're right. How many good looking girls end up at a tech school anyway?"

"Why aren't you worried about me and other guys?"

"Because I trust you. Why? Shouldn't I?"

"You can trust me, but you probably shouldn't trust the guys." I teased.

"Okay, now I'm worried," He laughed.

"Come on baby, you can trust me remember?" I kissed him.

"Remind me," he whispered. I slid my hand under his shirt and stroked his stomach before I moved my hand to the waistband of his boxers.

"Sam..." He groaned. "Don't torture me before I have to get back to work." I reached further down his pants. "It's going to be so hard to focus if we....Oh God, Sam!"

"You asked for it," I whispered provocatively

"Come on Sam. I'll come back tonight, okay? Then we can do whatever you want. Please, do whatever you want." I smacked him playfully.

"You'll be too tired after work, you always wear yourself out over there."

"I won't be too tired," he protested. "I promise, I'll slack a little today."

"Well just don't be slacking tonight." He pretended to be hurt.

"Do I ever?"

"I'm not going to answer that." I taunted. I kissed him deeply, which lasted about 5 minutes before he hastily broke away.

"Crap, I have to get back now, I'll see you tonight I promise."

"See you later, slacker." I kicked his butt as he stood up to leave. He laughed and turned around. He leaned over and grabbed my arms, pinning them above my head.

"You're going to pay for that tonight."

"I'll count on it." He kissed me one more time before practically running out the door to get back to work on time. I sighed happily and got up from the couch to clean up my room a bit before tonight.

"Shit." I muttered as I opened my door. "This could take days."


	6. Chapter 6

When my room was mostly clean, I collapsed on my bed. All that work had really worn me out, it seemed like it took forever. My eyes wandered over to the clock. "_It couldn't be 10 already. Did Freddie have that much work tonight?"_ I snatched up my cell phone and hastily dialed his number.

"Hey it's Freddie. I can't come to the phone right now leave a message, thanks." I groaned. "He probably fell asleep." I assured myself.

Then I had the brilliant idea to go check on him.

I walked down the hall happily with an ideal fantasy in mind. He'd have completely crashed from work and I'd crawl in with him. We'd lie in bed all day.

I was about to walk into his apartment when I faintly heard his voice coming from the apartment across the hall. Carly's apartment. I strained to hear what was being said, but the talking had stopped. Without thinking I reached to open the door. I froze when I saw Carly's mouth pressed on Freddie's, her arms around him, grabbing at his shirt.

"Freddie!" I'd meant to say, but it came out as "Fuck you!"

"Shit!" He jerked away from Carly and turned around to face me.

"God, Sam! No I..." he started to say, but I was already running out the door. I couldn't get away fast enough.

I immediately took to my bed.

"Shit, shit, shit!" I couldn't stop the flow of tears. "This isn't happening." It wasn't long at all before Freddie came crashing into my room, stumbling a little over a pile of laundry I hadn't put away yet.

"Sam! Shit, you came in at a bad time. I know you don't believe me but that really was not what it looked like!"

"Really?" I screamed harshly "Because it sure looked like you were kissing my best friend, who also happens to be the girl you were _in love with_ before you apparently decided to settle for me!" I sniffled. "What's that supposed to be? A coincidence? You can't honestly to expect me to believe that" I shot back

"She kissed me, Sam! I promise, it didn't mean anything...God, she called me when I was leaving work and she said I needed to come over. That there was something important she needed me for." He was becoming frustrated. "She sounded upset. Then when I get there she just starts spouting all of this stuff about how she missed me and how she was _so_ jealous, and Jesus, I didn't know that she was going to _kiss me_!" He was crying now too, furiously wiping away his tears. "Sam.." he whimpered. It was silent for a while before I looked up at him.

"That's the biggest load of bullshit you've ever told me Freddie. What else have you lied about, huh? Why would Carly all of a sudden decide she wanted to be with you? Is that really all you can come up with? Why don't you just say it? You're not over her."

"I'm not lying, Sam! I have never lied to you about anything. I love you! Why don't you believe me?" He gave up trying to hide the fact he was crying and let the tears stream down his face.

"I finally let myself trust you, and then you mess everything up. You told me to trust you Freddie. Why? So you could sneak around with my best friend without me checking up on you." I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself. "Just go Freddie, I can't take this anymore."

"Sam...I..."

"Just go!" I yelled. And that's what he did, he didn't even look back.

_**okay! so author's note finally! I hope that chapter was up to standard, I wasn't sure about it but I really like this story and I hope you guys do too! If you can, I would love it if you would review. I'm not going to demand 20 reviews until the next chapter or anything, but some feedback would be fantastic! Thanks!**_

**Alaina :**


	7. Chapter 7

I lost my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time. That is, if I could have even called her a best friend anymore. Carly called a few times. I didn't pick up but she left messages. All saying I treated Freddie like shit when he didn't deserve it and it was only a matter of time before he went to someone else, that I was _lucky _that it was her and not some other girl.

I guess she thought I hadn't realized that Freddie did tell me the truth. When I think about it now...I should have just listened to him and then maybe we'd still be together, laughing at every little thing and doing whatever we felt like. Everything could still be perfect.

Freddie, at first he didn't call at all. Then he started to call seven times a day, and as much as I wanted to, I didn't answer the phone, because in a way Carly was right. He didn't deserve to be treated that way. If I'd answered the phone it would have taken him that much longer for him to get over me. I didn't want him to think things would go back to how they were. That just couldn't happen.

His first few messages were just sad.

"Sam, pick up. I didn't mean it. You told me to leave. I thought...no...I just." Then he'd get frustrated and hang up. You could tell he was crying in all of them. After two weeks of messages like those he'd gotten pissed.

"You are such abitch. You know that? Why can't you accept someone might actually not be lying to you, and really want to be with you. I wanted to be with you. You did this to yourself, are you that stupid that you can't see that? I love you, you bitch. Fuck."

Every message was absolute torture to listen to. It was obvious that we were both miserable. I wanted to call him back so much and tell him not to be sad anymore, that I need him. But I didn't call him back. I didn't make him happy. I couldn't anymore. More than anything else, I wanted him to be happy. It's not possible for us to make a new start. I left too much destruction.

It's been two months now, since we broke up. You would think it would sting a little less. That I'd be more well off, but I'm convinced that it hurts more every day. I only leave my house when I have to. I don't want to run into him. I'm not ready to see him yet at all. I won't have to worry about it soon enough, since he'll be leaving for his dream college in two weeks. I heard that he started seeing someone else. I wonder if he'll end it when he leaves or if there's not going to be a girl at that school that could make him forget about her. Thinking about when he'd said those same words to me stirred something up in me and I grabbed my phone. I couldn't even dial his number without the tears welling up again. I was slightly relieved when it went straight to voice mail.

"Hey it's Freddie. I can't come to the phone right now leave a message, thanks." Hearing his voice after all this time made my heart break all over, made me remember so much. But I couldn't let myself hang up after I'd gotten this far.

"I can't let you leave without telling you." I took a deep breath. "I know you didn't mean it and I did love you and I'm sorry for everything...I'm so sorry. I really hope that you'll be happy. Goodbye Freddie."

I rushed my words but I know he'll understand. I only hoped he couldn't tell that I was crying. I wanted him to have that closure and think that I'm fine now. I know I should have said goodbye to his face, but I doubt he'd expect as much from me anyway. Even so it needed to be said. So maybe now he won't have so many what if thoughts about us. Maybe he won't start college feeling miserable and missing me. Maybe now he can feel absolutely sure that he can start over.

I know now it's time for me to try

**Hey! I hope you guys liked White Flag, I really enjoyed writing it. I'm working on the sequel which is from Freddie's point of view, and I'll have it up as soon as possible.**


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